But for a sport that is so civilized, how can you explain why a private course would allow a buffoon like myself to take huge chunks out of its fairways with my meat cleaver of a wedge? It’s because golf is the sport that takes an uncivilized lump of coal like myself, and molds him like clay into a refined young man of substance. Ok, maybe not.
That’s why I’ve compiled a list of golf quotes that exposes the game for what it truly is: an excuse to light a few cigars and talk a bunch of smack with the boys. So stuff a fat Macanudo between your teeth, throw on a pair of goofy, plaid knickers, and enjoy some of Golf’s most hilarious one-liners. Take as many mulligans as you’d like.
Golf’s 20 Most Hilarious Quotes
20. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman
19. "I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald Ford
18. "Golf is a game in which a ball - one and a half inches in diameter - is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter; the object being to hit the small ball but not the larger." - John Cunningham
17. "I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot." - Don Adams
16. "After hitting two balls into the water, by God, I've got a good mind to jump in and make it four." - Simon Hobday
15. "Some have psychologists, some have sportologists. I smoke." - Angel Cabrera
14. "Pressure is playing for $10 when you don't have a dime in your pocket." - Lee Trevino
13. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." - Jimmy Demaret
12. "Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it." - Ted Ray
11. "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf... and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." - Jack Benny
10. "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." - Chi Chi Rodriquez
9."Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." - John Updike
8."If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death." - Sam Snead
7. "I don't need to know where the green is. Where is the golf course?" - Babe Ruth
6. "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands’ work." - Lee Trevino
5. "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Hank Aaron
4. "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing." - Phyllis Diller
3. "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino
2. "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez
1. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
